Watch Me Eat

I have seen people eat. I have watched people eat. I have observed people eat. Heck, I’ve even LISTENED to people eat. I have had very happy times in this my hobby, but I have also sat and almost summoned my ancestors for an intervention. There are times I have just thanked God for the process of chewing, and peristalsis, watching as that bolus descends the neck. Okay, honestly, this has only been felt when observing someone with an Adam’s apple. But, oh well, you get the point.

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There are people who will eat and you will fall in love. Not love, love, but you will feel very happy. From the way they slice or spoon or fork their food, to the way they bite, the chewing and swallowing… You will not get tired of observing. I’m not talking about the fake slow motion eating and chewing some of my fellow ladies do when asked out on dates. No. I talk about the eating and chewing and swallowing that says, “Yes. I know how to eat well. With etiquette. Even when I am hungry.”

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Then there is the mathogothanio most of us do. These, I have made special columns and categories for

  1. The musicians. They are those who will chew and you could literally start singing. Their ringtone composition is that strong. Dearly beloved, I have never ceased to thank God for Acapella. Making music with the mouth only is a tremendous talent. But my dear people, when it comes to acapella with food… Ma ni tutigei maundu ta macio. Priss. And worse, they will insist on talking in between meals.

Image result for people chewing food badly2. The forces of nature. These ones swallow so hard, you can feel the struggle the food undergoes at the force. My Std. Five Science teacher taught me that the digestion system is designed in such a way that the whole process should be smooth. My dad always told us not to fight with our food. So you see, when I observe someone swallowing forcefully, my chest hurts. Deeply.

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3. The racers. Have you seen someone eat like it’s a competition? Or like you will snatch their food away? Or is it that they eat so fast just in case Jesus comes back? You know, rather die on a full stomach and all? It gets worse when they’re in a group sharing food

4. The improvisers. I first saw this during a funkie. Some guy opened his soda, poured it all on his boflo bread, and within four bites, the bread was gone. Now, funkie aside, these ones will fold pieces of pizza or bread and gobble like it was some soft ginene they was eating.

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Now, I love eating. I eat a lot. But I have not grown fat in years. Why? I have been around these callibres too much. Aki na sijataja mtu. So stop dissing we slim people and reconsider your eating style. Also, stop hating on how Kikuyu women cook. We mix all those ingredients to discourage you from bad eating habits. Because, really, Kikuyu men especially where there is meat… Good Lord.

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As I once advised, “Before you marry someone, take time and listen to them chew. If you can stand that sound for the rest of your life, go ahead with the wedding.” Forever is a long time to persevere terrible table manners.

Photos: Courtesy

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SECRETARY OF THE HOLY GHOST

Mama Lucy Kibaki becomes the first Kikuyu woman to die and leave a rich husband behind. I tried so hard not to laugh at this, but, oh well. That’s beside the point.
After watching a whole lot of Hollywood movies, I am almost convinced that people can turn in their graves, or be delayed from “proceeding to the other world” by others. That a person can just roam about in purgatory, for those who believe in it, happens to be one of the scariest things you could ever encounter. Believe me, the minute you sit down for a marathon of Sleepy Hollow, you will understand what I am saying.
Today, we woke up to the sad news of the untimely death of Mama Lucy Kibaki. Untimely because, we are never prepared for the death of a loved one, even of those who basically live on a hospital bed (no pun intended). Amidst the many condolence messages and jokes about her eyebrows, something caught my eye and mad me really pissed off. Comments and posts about how the family deserves the pain.

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Who are we to judge who deserves pain and who doesn’t? Has Jesus been hiring and I missed the memo? We are up in arms about how Mwai Kibaki was corrupt and took his wife to a bomb shell hospital most of us can’t afford, while our relatives rot on those KNH floors, thus the family deserves such pain. Ranting about how our sins always catch up with us and it’s their turn.
Well, self-proclaimed Secretary of the Holy Ghost, shame on you and take a seat. No one should ever have to be cajoled and ridiculed because of misfortune. The sins of a spouse or a family member should never be intertwined with the life of any of their spouses or family members. So what if Mwai Kibaki was corrupt? So what if he rigged the elections? Let Mama Lucy be!

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You need to point a finger, direct them to the person at fault. Let the others be. If she died as a punishment to Kibaki, that is for God Almighty to decide and know, not for you, self-proclaimed Secretary, to determine.
Mama Lucy deserves to “cross over” and await her day of judgement in peace. But here we are, already turning her over before she’s even in her coffin. Being silent over Kibaki’s alleged sins for all this time and bringing them up in a time of sorrow is plain wrong. Let us stop being so conditioned to celebrating people’s misfortune.


Unless, of course, you already have The Book of Life in your hands? I would love to know my fate.
Rest in eternal peace, Mama Lucy. We will forever remember your boldness.

Photos: Courtesy

OMENA WARU

I hail from the wonderful region which believes that warus (potatoes) make food tastier. Waru plain, mashed waru, pilau waru, chicken waru, ndengu waru, githeri waru, matoke/nduma/ngwaci waru, waru cabbage; you name it. Probably that’s why we have quite a number of yellow yellow ladies (forget our beautiful accent). Thank our mothers… and waru.

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However, our men got bad. Warus totally interfered with Kikuyu men. It is sad, really; they would have- could have- made amazing husbands. But, oh well. Truth be told, if there are complicated men on this side of the ocean (whichever ocean), Kikuyu men top that list. That should tell you that Nyeri women don’t beat them in vain, or Kiambu women kill them out of malice (though the Kiambu part is still in question). These men are a big big headache.
Kikuyu men want women who will call them “daddy”. Women who are comfy being called “mama watoto” or “uria” instead of darling… Women who will run to untie “daddy’s” shoes when he walks through that door (Pause. It should be a voluntary act of love, not a duty)… Women who will smile and tell them “uhana ta muthamaki” (you look like a king) when “daddy” walks out wearing an orange shirt, red tie, beige trousers, a checked coat and sport shoes… They want women who show love and respect through fear.

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Sigh. Where did we go wrong? Do you know what is more sad? Luopean women. They have amazing men, but fail to use that to their advantage! In the stead, they are rude, entitled, bitter exes (believe me, I have experienced a couple).
Then you meet their men. Forget the way they shine even before they apply oil (by the way, is there a Luopean man with dry skin? Asking for a friend). Have you ever met a person who makes it so easy to have a conversation? A person who makes your words just flow in some poetic way, without stuttering or shrubbing… You suddenly use words like palpable and quintessence and proletariat, but got a C in English? You can’t even recognize your laugh- it’s so sweet it makes you blush. (&*% $#@*!!!) Next thing you know, your contact list has changed; Omaina, Onjugush Okariithi… Trying to make chats with “your people” more interesting.

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We ought to have a switch; Luopean women for our Kikuyu men. As for us… oh my, let me stop there. My room is suddenly febrile and my ugali omena is getting cold. Oh, my roommate even took omena for the first time today!
And for the love of all that’s sacred, fellow Kikuyu women, let us not introduce omena waru!

Photos: Courtesy