Football Or Marriage

While most smart females worldwide have begun making plans of getaways with girlfriends and are grabbing their men for last minute dates, I am on the other side of the court. With the men who are about to disappear for months. Forget about the elections that will torment us for a few days and then we’re back to complaining of this MP and that Governor. I am on the side of the court that is about to unite people worldwide. Football season is a whiff away!

With such kind of excitement, you can only see the sense in why I have continually thanked God this whole month that I am not married. Fam, I had a “Life Book”. It explicitly highlighted my plan for my life. I was supposed to be married by 25. Lol. I am 25 and cannot even begin to imagine HOW I would have been someone’s wife, let alone mother, at this point. My mother had 2 kids by 25. I am here struggling to find my bra straps, how can I even match my child’s name to his/her face? I salute all women who have children by 25. I have refused to can.

Imagine how I would be struggling next month. Mr. Man and I get home from work. I get in and place my bag somewhere, wash my hands and take a fruit. Any team is playing, and I am all psyched to watch and place bets and have stories. And, of course, piss Mr. Man. (It’s in the constitution). Mr. Man will ask for food when the game is hottest, like a typical man. “Master, wait till half time” I will say, before being taken back to my mother’s house the next day.

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I joined campus in April 2012. World cup was so lit at the time. I already had relatives telling me how I would never get a husband when they heard I was going to study Politics. A Nyerian woman studying politics. That’s the kind of sentence that makes you join campus with so much humility and you become too conscious. Because, you must look wife material, you know? I didn’t even speak of football, because, you know… Until my newest friend mentioned it. And I knew I had found my soul-mate.

Guise, it is one thing to look for plot in campus. It is yet another for two first year females to look for a place to watch football. But our mothers didn’t raise quitters, so we approached one of her male friends.

“Where do you guys usually watch football?”

There is laughter only men can give when a woman asks for a place to watch football.

Moi University Student’s Center, also known as “Stuudie”, was the spot. Strathmore and USIU students shouldn’t even attempt to imagine how stuudie looks like. It is the equivalent of a chaotic empty hexagonal space. With a roof so open, even the echo echoes itself. But we went. Not quitters, remember? Surprised that men were carrying chairs, but even more surprised that more than 500 students would follow this anticipated match via a 30 inch television.

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I used to attend Gor Mahia matches. If you have never seen miracles, please attend one… especially when against AFC Leopards. How people suddenly turn the papers and money in their pockets into stones will forever remain a miracle that should be in the Guinness Book. Forget the backward writer who called Gor Mahia a “little-known Kenyan club”. But the stones and teargas I witnessed at Nyayo Stadium were nothing compared to the flying chairs these very dry Moi University goons called men threw.

I can confidently say that that was how we got inducted and oriented into Political Science. What is African politics without chaos? If that is how these MPs feel during those chaotic meetings, I think I will be comfortable working behind the scenes.

A Mr. Man left me in a club in 2014. My team was playing against his and we won. Apparently, I celebrated too loudly. Sigh. Story for another day.

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I have been through too much for football. I am working to reduce this appeasement. Ba is harrd. I can see myself putting my kids to bed at 6 pm just to enjoy my football time. Or cooking at the beginning of the season and stocking the fridge. Sigh. And if my relatives get to read this, prayers will be convened.

Brethren, take your women out for dinner or drinks or something before August. Appreciate the effort they put all year. And the loneliness they will feel. And if you’re a woman with a man who doesn’t watch football, and you do, Mwathani akuririkane my sister because! This life is tricky.

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FACEBOOK, YOU LIED

I had a date yesterday. But I didn’t make it- because I spent most part of the afternoon and early evening waiting to meet the supposed love of my life. The Facebook game told me I would meet him yesterday. At my most favorite spot in town. I guess it lied to me.

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I went back home. Very disappointed and angry at myself. I must get to the bottom of this. So I decided to play more games. “What will my child look like?” “What would I look like if I was male?” Okay. Pause. I attended a high school where we shaved our hair in form one and two. One inch long was the recommended length. I KNOW how I would look if I was male, and it is NOWHERE close to what Facebook showed me.

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Let’s laugh for a minute. Have you seen the photos? Especially those showing how your kid will look like? Boy, I think there are many of us who’ll either have stolen babies or have wives who’ll lie of the real paternity. Because, really, hoooooow??? I need not explain. Y’all have seen the photos. Let’s be real.

I have a long nose. One that makes me struggle with small coffee cups and glasses. The kid facebook gave me has a tiny nose. And big ears. Have you seen my ears? They’re so tiny the piercing lady almost sent me home. And she has a wide face. Mine is oval. Case closed.

We all want a peak in the future. We want to know what will happen, who we will marry, when we will get rich, etc. We are a curious generation, desperate to know everything. And we will go to whatever lengths to get that truth revealed. Remember Loliondo?

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We have shifted our focus from the all-knowing God, and assumed His place. Ours is not to know what will happen. Ours is to live each day working towards the future we envision, all the while praying it is in sync with His plan. Relax. Taxes and prices of commodities have gone up. That’s all you need to worry about now.

On the real though, some of those babies are really cute. Ladies, we need to start paying attention. Genes nini nini, you know? Blame yourself if fate plays kalungu.

Photos: Courtesy