Watch Me Eat

I have seen people eat. I have watched people eat. I have observed people eat. Heck, I’ve even LISTENED to people eat. I have had very happy times in this my hobby, but I have also sat and almost summoned my ancestors for an intervention. There are times I have just thanked God for the process of chewing, and peristalsis, watching as that bolus descends the neck. Okay, honestly, this has only been felt when observing someone with an Adam’s apple. But, oh well, you get the point.

Image result for couple eating at restaurant

There are people who will eat and you will fall in love. Not love, love, but you will feel very happy. From the way they slice or spoon or fork their food, to the way they bite, the chewing and swallowing… You will not get tired of observing. I’m not talking about the fake slow motion eating and chewing some of my fellow ladies do when asked out on dates. No. I talk about the eating and chewing and swallowing that says, “Yes. I know how to eat well. With etiquette. Even when I am hungry.”

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Then there is the mathogothanio most of us do. These, I have made special columns and categories for

  1. The musicians. They are those who will chew and you could literally start singing. Their ringtone composition is that strong. Dearly beloved, I have never ceased to thank God for Acapella. Making music with the mouth only is a tremendous talent. But my dear people, when it comes to acapella with food… Ma ni tutigei maundu ta macio. Priss. And worse, they will insist on talking in between meals.

Image result for people chewing food badly2. The forces of nature. These ones swallow so hard, you can feel the struggle the food undergoes at the force. My Std. Five Science teacher taught me that the digestion system is designed in such a way that the whole process should be smooth. My dad always told us not to fight with our food. So you see, when I observe someone swallowing forcefully, my chest hurts. Deeply.

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3. The racers. Have you seen someone eat like it’s a competition? Or like you will snatch their food away? Or is it that they eat so fast just in case Jesus comes back? You know, rather die on a full stomach and all? It gets worse when they’re in a group sharing food

4. The improvisers. I first saw this during a funkie. Some guy opened his soda, poured it all on his boflo bread, and within four bites, the bread was gone. Now, funkie aside, these ones will fold pieces of pizza or bread and gobble like it was some soft ginene they was eating.

Image result for people chewing food badly

Now, I love eating. I eat a lot. But I have not grown fat in years. Why? I have been around these callibres too much. Aki na sijataja mtu. So stop dissing we slim people and reconsider your eating style. Also, stop hating on how Kikuyu women cook. We mix all those ingredients to discourage you from bad eating habits. Because, really, Kikuyu men especially where there is meat… Good Lord.

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As I once advised, “Before you marry someone, take time and listen to them chew. If you can stand that sound for the rest of your life, go ahead with the wedding.” Forever is a long time to persevere terrible table manners.

Photos: Courtesy



Those charming friends that you’d date in another life. Mmh. My mephistopheles of temptation. Really, if I wasn’t on a Singlehood Journey, I’d so say yes without hesitation.

So he invites me for lunch. Home-cooked meal. Bless the Lord for men who love to cook. I’m there anticipating the lunch date, blabbering with my roommate who even picks a dress for me to wear. Throwing her favorite line “Roomie, when we step out, it’s to shine”. You don’t want to look like you were dressing for him, but again, you don’t want to get there and he shuts the door on your face.

Text on my phone. “Hehe. So what’s your favorite meal? Help a brother make an impression“. My roommate is beside herself. Picks my phone and types “Mashie and beef”. Truth mami, she tells me. Let him see your raw side as well. It’s charming; for a person as insane as you.

Image result for mashed potatoes and beef
What will he say? I wonder. Group one men will laugh. Don’t try to be modest, they’d probably say. Group two men will be like eew. Chic is so weird. And block your silly arse. Group three men will laugh and ask why. And just like that, you have them hooked. They want to know more.

Beep beep. “Haha. Mashie as in mashed potatoes? That’s a rare one. Interesting. How do you like It?“. My heart leaps, roommate shrieks. I’m smiling. Big hug, Karma. “Yeah. Mashed potatoes. Mashed with some peas or carrots in it.”

And it’s settled. He’s making my favorite meal. For the next 14 hours, I’m praying for the sanctity of his lunch offer. Oh Saitan, please don’t spoil this for me. Ignore this one, please. Making deals with the Devil too, huh?

Dday. (The dress is off the table. Least Saitan speaks). Lunch is amazing. I should learn to cook my favorite meal better than anyone. Oh, Music in the background. We eat and talk. Politics, religion, life, food, animals. He isn’t shallow. Three hours later, I must go. And hallelujah, I wasn’t bored \o/

As he escorts me to the gate, I ask What’s your favorite meal? Ugali fish. I choke. I don’t know how to cook ugali. Well played, Saitan. Well played. My book is shut.

Photos: Courtesy