I hail from the wonderful region which believes that warus (potatoes) make food tastier. Waru plain, mashed waru, pilau waru, chicken waru, ndengu waru, githeri waru, matoke/nduma/ngwaci waru, waru cabbage; you name it. Probably that’s why we have quite a number of yellow yellow ladies (forget our beautiful accent). Thank our mothers… and waru.
However, our men got bad. Warus totally interfered with Kikuyu men. It is sad, really; they would have- could have- made amazing husbands. But, oh well. Truth be told, if there are complicated men on this side of the ocean (whichever ocean), Kikuyu men top that list. That should tell you that Nyeri women don’t beat them in vain, or Kiambu women kill them out of malice (though the Kiambu part is still in question). These men are a big big headache.
Kikuyu men want women who will call them “daddy”. Women who are comfy being called “mama watoto” or “uria” instead of darling… Women who will run to untie “daddy’s” shoes when he walks through that door (Pause. It should be a voluntary act of love, not a duty)… Women who will smile and tell them “uhana ta muthamaki” (you look like a king) when “daddy” walks out wearing an orange shirt, red tie, beige trousers, a checked coat and sport shoes… They want women who show love and respect through fear.
Sigh. Where did we go wrong? Do you know what is more sad? Luopean women. They have amazing men, but fail to use that to their advantage! In the stead, they are rude, entitled, bitter exes (believe me, I have experienced a couple).
Then you meet their men. Forget the way they shine even before they apply oil (by the way, is there a Luopean man with dry skin? Asking for a friend). Have you ever met a person who makes it so easy to have a conversation? A person who makes your words just flow in some poetic way, without stuttering or shrubbing… You suddenly use words like palpable and quintessence and proletariat, but got a C in English? You can’t even recognize your laugh- it’s so sweet it makes you blush. (&*% $#@*!!!) Next thing you know, your contact list has changed; Omaina, Onjugush Okariithi… Trying to make chats with “your people” more interesting.
We ought to have a switch; Luopean women for our Kikuyu men. As for us… oh my, let me stop there. My room is suddenly febrile and my ugali omena is getting cold. Oh, my roommate even took omena for the first time today!
And for the love of all that’s sacred, fellow Kikuyu women, let us not introduce omena waru!