OMENA WARU

I hail from the wonderful region which believes that warus (potatoes) make food tastier. Waru plain, mashed waru, pilau waru, chicken waru, ndengu waru, githeri waru, matoke/nduma/ngwaci waru, waru cabbage; you name it. Probably that’s why we have quite a number of yellow yellow ladies (forget our beautiful accent). Thank our mothers… and waru.

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However, our men got bad. Warus totally interfered with Kikuyu men. It is sad, really; they would have- could have- made amazing husbands. But, oh well. Truth be told, if there are complicated men on this side of the ocean (whichever ocean), Kikuyu men top that list. That should tell you that Nyeri women don’t beat them in vain, or Kiambu women kill them out of malice (though the Kiambu part is still in question). These men are a big big headache.
Kikuyu men want women who will call them “daddy”. Women who are comfy being called “mama watoto” or “uria” instead of darling… Women who will run to untie “daddy’s” shoes when he walks through that door (Pause. It should be a voluntary act of love, not a duty)… Women who will smile and tell them “uhana ta muthamaki” (you look like a king) when “daddy” walks out wearing an orange shirt, red tie, beige trousers, a checked coat and sport shoes… They want women who show love and respect through fear.

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Sigh. Where did we go wrong? Do you know what is more sad? Luopean women. They have amazing men, but fail to use that to their advantage! In the stead, they are rude, entitled, bitter exes (believe me, I have experienced a couple).
Then you meet their men. Forget the way they shine even before they apply oil (by the way, is there a Luopean man with dry skin? Asking for a friend). Have you ever met a person who makes it so easy to have a conversation? A person who makes your words just flow in some poetic way, without stuttering or shrubbing… You suddenly use words like palpable and quintessence and proletariat, but got a C in English? You can’t even recognize your laugh- it’s so sweet it makes you blush. (&*% $#@*!!!) Next thing you know, your contact list has changed; Omaina, Onjugush Okariithi… Trying to make chats with “your people” more interesting.

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We ought to have a switch; Luopean women for our Kikuyu men. As for us… oh my, let me stop there. My room is suddenly febrile and my ugali omena is getting cold. Oh, my roommate even took omena for the first time today!
And for the love of all that’s sacred, fellow Kikuyu women, let us not introduce omena waru!

Photos: Courtesy

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JUST AN HONEST RANT

So Njoki Chege wakes up one morning and decided it’s a perfect day to “address” plus-size women. Well, I don’t have much to say on the topic, other than that I am totally confused. Was she speaking from a male or female perspective? And either way, doesn’t that make this even more confusing? I know I should be asking her, but oh well, let me ask you.

Last I checked, our able African men love them big and curvaceous (Bless my heart because most still take flubby as curvaceous). And our beautiful African women have been forced into an I-must-get-big-but-fit journey (Next to impossible if you ask me).

But now, men applaud when plus-size women are reminded they are “just fat” and women are now flocking gymns trying to lose weight and be the so-called “ideal laptop”.

Switch on your Tv or radio. Today, a politician vehemently defends government saying there isn’t money to pay teachers. A few years later,he’s condemning government for not having money to pay teachers. (Political Kalungu I have studied about for 4 years now).

Welcome to my beloved university. Believe me, our school motto says it all “The University With A Difference”. Fourth year in my wonderful faculty is the year you get to see your transcripts. So as the dutiful student I try to be, I hunt down my lecturers looking for my missing marks. Hallelujah, I get them. Two weeks later, I walk into Room 65 to collect my transcript and voilla! I have more than 6 missing marks. Again!

Okay, what kind of life is this? Why did I grow up? I don’t want this confused world and a gazillion responsibilities! Rather, who said I wanted to be born human? What if I wanted to be a tree? Or a lightning arrestor??

And now, word has it that Nyerian women love bodaboda rides because they get aroused by them. Where do I trace my roots again? Goodbye.