OKAY, UNIVERSE

I just finished reading The Fault In Our Stars. I am frustrated. John Green writes about characters who were frustrated about a novel that ended mid-life, and does the exact same thing to his readers! Out of my frustration, I’ve decided I need to buy another book. One that has an actual ending?

Yesterday morning, as I was doing my routine morning workout, Saitan paid me a visit. Wait. Why do we blame Saitan for all our misfortune? Is He always to blame, or is it our fault sometimes? Okay. Story for another day. Allow me to blame you, this time around Saitan. I sprained my ankle during my ROUTINE workout. This was all you.

It had to be bandaged and I was slapped with a “Keep that thing for about 3 days. Come tomorrow for a routine check.” Now, Mr Doctor does not understand that 3 days in a bandage hopscotching around, and confined to the house isn’t how I’d planned to spend my last week at home. I should be out there, having lunch with my friends and basking in this Nairobi sun! Frustration number Two!

I’m in a drier at my local salon as I write this. Writing because, when I was a kid, they told me you shouldn’t sleep while in the drier. You could die. I dunno how true is this, but let me not be our case study. So let me ignore the sweet voice whispering, “Just a little nap” and write instead.

There’s a line that caught my attention in TFIOS, “…I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards inteligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tel the universe that it—or my observation of it—is temporary?” Okay. Good. So it wants to be noticed. It will push us to extremes at some point, frustrate you even, just to make a point.

Should I be thankful that it has brought a point home to me? After I left the doctor’s yesterday, I sat at a mall reading (instead of eating, I read!). And in those hours and the hours that followed, confined to the couch and eating fries (I can as well just gain weight anyway) I had a lot of time to think.

I have thought about my ankle, my weight, my hair, food, books, the universe… but What hit me most, the minute I begun thinking about my life choices. Well, Mr/Mrs Universe, you drive a hard bargain. But I am hard headed. I chose to only rant today. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about the life choices you slapped me with. AT MY CONVENIENCE.

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MY CRUSH, MY MEAL AND ME

Those charming friends that you’d date in another life. Mmh. My mephistopheles of temptation. Really, if I wasn’t on a Singlehood Journey, I’d so say yes without hesitation.

So he invites me for lunch. Home-cooked meal. Bless the Lord for men who love to cook. I’m there anticipating the lunch date, blabbering with my roommate who even picks a dress for me to wear. Throwing her favorite line “Roomie, when we step out, it’s to shine”. You don’t want to look like you were dressing for him, but again, you don’t want to get there and he shuts the door on your face.

Text on my phone. “Hehe. So what’s your favorite meal? Help a brother make an impression“. My roommate is beside herself. Picks my phone and types “Mashie and beef”. Truth mami, she tells me. Let him see your raw side as well. It’s charming; for a person as insane as you.

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What will he say? I wonder. Group one men will laugh. Don’t try to be modest, they’d probably say. Group two men will be like eew. Chic is so weird. And block your silly arse. Group three men will laugh and ask why. And just like that, you have them hooked. They want to know more.

Beep beep. “Haha. Mashie as in mashed potatoes? That’s a rare one. Interesting. How do you like It?“. My heart leaps, roommate shrieks. I’m smiling. Big hug, Karma. “Yeah. Mashed potatoes. Mashed with some peas or carrots in it.”

And it’s settled. He’s making my favorite meal. For the next 14 hours, I’m praying for the sanctity of his lunch offer. Oh Saitan, please don’t spoil this for me. Ignore this one, please. Making deals with the Devil too, huh?


Dday. (The dress is off the table. Least Saitan speaks). Lunch is amazing. I should learn to cook my favorite meal better than anyone. Oh, Music in the background. We eat and talk. Politics, religion, life, food, animals. He isn’t shallow. Three hours later, I must go. And hallelujah, I wasn’t bored \o/

As he escorts me to the gate, I ask What’s your favorite meal? Ugali fish. I choke. I don’t know how to cook ugali. Well played, Saitan. Well played. My book is shut.

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COUNTDOWN

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The other day, a friend of mine told me he had decided to go on a 30-day challenge. I laughed. Not because he was taking up a challenge, but because of the nature of the challenge- and HIM taking this particular challenge. It’s like, say, asking me to take up a 7-day soda abstinence. Next to impossible!

There’s nothing as hard as committing to something and not falling off the wagon. It’s like Saitan just waits until you’ve committed to something, and then he brings Ms-Temptress-In-A- Stunning-Red-Dress to your door.

My birthday is 30 days away. I haven’t been this excited yet super scared about a birthday before. Probably because it’s finally dawned on me that one, I’m almost done with school. Two, I’m growing old. Three, my life is still a faze of “when’s” and “It’s complicated” and “aki sijui”.

In regard to that, and the Satisfaction September decision, I feel I need to go on a 30-day challenge as well. I need to tackle something that has choked me for a very long time- unforgiveness. Oh boy, don’t I know the false comfort of living in unforgiveness?! The familiarity of that empty feeling? The boldness in just being cold? The satisfaction in being empty. How it feels a thousand times better than feeling hurt or emotional or pain.?

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Life is too short to live in chains. You may turn and move a little, but those chains will not allow you to move far. You’ll be restricted to some point, zero grazed by the “Mollis” in your life. What is life, if you cannot jump and enjoy it.? Of what purpose is success if you’re only trying to prove a point to someone.? There’s not much joy in that.

So yes, my 30-day walk to freedom begins today. It isn’t an easy task. The greatest part being forgiving MYSELF. And that should be the first part. Why because, even if you forgave everyone who’s wronged you and haven’t forgiven yourself, you will forever resent yourself. Why did I forgive so and so.? Why am I being nice to so and so despite all they put me through.? In the end, you can’t stand yourself.

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It’s time I learned how to forgive from the heart rather than forgiving in the head. Each day for the next 30 days, I will meditate on forgiveness, picking out someone to forgive- and by God’s Grace, reaching out to them. Well, it may  take more than a day for some, but oh well, challenges were not meant to be easy.

A light heart lives long. I need me a long life. Hehe. Leggo!

 

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MUGO, AND THEN YOU

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A round of applause to all the men who spoke out condemning the heinous acts by one Mugo wa Wairimu. (PS shame on him for using his mother’s name as his, yet overlooking the respect due to females.) A standing ovation to all the men who took to social media praising women, spreading the message of protecting “our” women and calling for punishment for all who hurt them.

Well, a round of applause to all those who condemned Mugo knowing THEY WERE NOT GUILTY. A standing ovation to all those who called for protection of women knowing THEY PROTECT THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AND WIVES. I stand in awe at the number of men who helped pass the message of “Being a Girl’s Girl” but this time, “Being A Girl’s Guy”. I’m touched. Deeply.

But shame on you who think rape is the only thing women need protection from. Shame on you who openly and secretly condemned Mugo yet your wives and girlfriends are somewhere drowning in emotional pain. Shame on you who wondered what kind of a man Mugo is, yet you are just like him.! Only “refined” for lack of a better word.

As you call for punishment for Mugo and wave machetes in form of social media posts, look within. Those women are like your sister, mother and daughter as you so well put it. But how are you treating the women in your life? Make amends. Mugo’s words have come to bite him. I ain’t saying you’ll become a rapist too. Who knows? You might get arrested for domestic violence. Same whip, no.?

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And before all the women go “Oh Yeah! Power to us!” y’all not off the hook. We are just as guilty. We have subjected men to pain too. It’s no excuse for us to use the “woman” card. Being a woman isn’t a card we should use to gain favors and get passes. It’s an entitlement of gender and rights just as much as being male is.

I am a girl’s Girl. I want to see change. Therefore, I’ll speak above a whisper

OUR LITTLE DEVILS

The Devil will never Let you walk out of hell without putting up a fight. First reason being, he does Not like to lose. Pssh. Honestly, nobody likes losing. And when it trickles down to something or someone we believed was “ours”, losing gets all the more harder.
Do you ever wonder why people who have hurt us make such a big fuss when we decide to walk away.? Why these bad people (I choose to call them that) will want to prove you wrong? Start acting like the victims and assume the role perfectly.? Or they suddenly want to make amends and become all sweet and bag-of-chocolate-chips towards you?

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Here goes- Bad people love love too.! They love the idea of love. They love the feeling of having someone devoted to them. They love the status quo accorded to them, because most times, these bad people are dating the envy of society.
Our biggest mistake is confusing desire with What we deserve. We want to bask in the idea that it’s just a phase. And they’ll go back to being the amazing people they were when we first met. We feel that we still deserve them because we’ve given so much of us, invested too much time and energy. We don’t want to walk away with Nothing.!

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We forget that the more chances we give someone, the less respect they start to have for us. They ignore our standards because they know we’ll Give them another chance. They’re no longer afraid to lose us because they know that no matter What, we won’t walk away. They get comfortable depending on our forgiveness.
Get this, Not everyone has a heart like yours. We won’t always get it right, and being hurt is inevitable. Either way, it’s Not a question of whether or Not someone loves us, but How much bullshit comes with the “I love you”. Because, People can be sorry from anywhere. It’s our choice whether It’s by our side or the curb.

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Satisfactember :-)

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New months come with a great load of expectations and resolutions. Unfortunately, by the end of the month, we are mostly frustrated we didn’t achieve our goals. And It’s a cycle that goes round and round.
I’m very excited about September. In my “August Is It?” Post, I mentioned How much I love September. The sun is just glorious. And hello, It’s a wonderful countdown to my birthday!
For the past three or So days, I’ve sat battling in my head on What to write. I have three posts I wish to put up, But none Quite gave me the kick I wanted. Until yester night.. A very dear friend texted me. He recently got born again and wanted to share the news with me. I am So happy for him. He seems really happy and content. He’s confident he’s made progress, and has Been able to go things He previously thought to be next to impossible.
That got me thinking. September is the ninth month. The month of labour and birth. But What have I to show for it.? Am I happy and confident about the child I’m about to birth? Will I Be proud enough to show my “bundle of joy” to the world or will I wrap him up with a gazillion blankets, tryna cover my Shame??

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This month, should Be about taking a day At a time. It should be about What we have achieved At them end of each day, rather Than waiting to vet yourself on 30th. Whatever you want to achieve by 30th- be it salvation, a new job, a new relationship, forgiveness, etc- break it down into day-achievable milestones. And vet yourself without pressure.

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The best gift you can ever Give yourself is satisfaction. How about we dab this SS? “Satisfaction September”
Happy new month, wonderful People. Much love and appreciation from me 🙂 <-3 :-*

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